fall in love again

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Falling in love again after you have been hurt before is hard. 

Wait, that is an understatement, right? You can finally start focusing on yourself and your life is yours once again then a boy with a pretty smile and warm eyes came and everything does not go according to plan anymore. Everything are red and roses and there are butterflies in your stomach that makes you all giddy and cannot stop smiling. You can feel your wall crumbling down and it hits you like a truck that you should not do that.  

The idea of allowing someone back into your heart is overwhelming. Every second you spend feeling happy being replaced by fear and anxiety. Those what ifs questions keep coming. "What if he breaks my heart again? What if he leave too? What if.." Without you realize it, you start searching for the flaws of the happiness that leads to occasional fights.

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The time spent alone does not make you feel 'free' anymore. You keep comparing just how much happier you would be if they are here by your side. The last thing you want to do is base your happiness on someone else, right? Stop. Take a deep breath and just stop. Take a step back from everything to remind your self that you will be okay no matter what happens. You’ve still got the nights out with the friends who know you best, conversations over coffee with family that never judge, and those walks through the trails that settle your mind. You have to remember that with every mistake comes a lesson and with every heartache comes a kind of understanding. There is a risk in falling in love and you have to accept that. When the one who is worth enough for you to let the walls guarding your heart down, you have to walk into it willingly.

You have to remember that no matter what happens, you still have yourself. 

That is all you will ever need.

letting go

Letting go. 
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To let go of someone is not an easy task to do. But most of the times, we do not even have a choice unless to do so. Every hello ends with goodbyes and that is just how it works. Feelings fade and here is the bitter truth; forever does not exist in this harsh world we live in.
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Funny thing is, letting go occurs not only when feelings faded. This complicated thing we called ‘feelings’ tend to develop a lot of problems and eventually make you too tired to hold on. The most cliché reason would be falling in love with the wrong person. No matter how much effort we put and how much love we sacrifice, if the love is wrong; you have to let go. Sad is an understatement, to know that the fact you are trying best but it is still not enough to make things work.
I was 7 years old and both me and my mom was watching Titanic when I asked this question to her “why do we have to let go of someone that we love?” She gave me a small smile and said; “This world is ugly my dear, and most of the time something as pure as love does not stand a chance against it.” I did not understand even a bit of that deep metaphor back then.
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Now that I think about it, she was right. Love alone is not enough to ensure that the other person will forever be yours. Death happens, money happens, families and worst; one sided love happens. If you are not strong enough to go through those;  letting go is your only option.

Do you know how can i tell when you are sad?

"Do you know how can i tell when you are sad?"
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Did you know when you are sad, you tend to smile smile a lot more. 
 The smile may not reach your ears, but you plastered it on your face all the time when you are sad. You talk about everything like they suddenly make super interesting topics, but not once the glows in your eyes appear. 

You have a really beautiful laugh and i had always been amazed on how contiguous it is. It is the kind of laugh that make your eyes squeezed shut and you will eventually be out of breath. 
but when you are sad, you will laugh a lot harder

your eyes stays open and there's not trace of humor in it and the sound of the laugh that you are making is almost heartbreaking.

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You will ask twice if people say "i am fine" and you will add on "really?", "are you sure?" before you finally satisfied with their answer. Because deep down, you know when someone asks you the same exact question, you would never admit that you are not okay but just having someone who cares enough to ask twice, makes your heart warmer.

You will ask whether or not they are hungry every five minutes  
because when you are sad, you would throw up right after you shove foods down your throat. 

You barely touch your lunch and you'd use "i am on my diet" as an excuse to give away your food to someone else.

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Your dark circles under your eyes and the hollowness inside it are proofs that you were crying the whole night again. You probably didn't get to sleep until three hours before your alarm goes off.

You sigh every once in a while and it didn't goes un-notice how with every deep breath you took and each sigh you released, your heart became more empty and colder. 

There is this high wall that you put as a barrier every time you are sad. You always put it up to keep others away as if you are afraid they could peek inside of your venerable heart for once.

That is how i can tell when you are sad. surprise are you not? to know there is someone who cares enough to actually notice all these little things you've tried your best to hide.

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10 things that i learnt by the age of 19.

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1. You can hate those who hurts you. You have the right to do so despite any excuses they may give. Never blame yourself for not being 'good enough' for anyone. everyone has different standard of 'good enough' and you could never meed each and everyone's expectation. So, be you and be your own standard of 'good enough'.

2. You can love anyone that you want, but never for a second thinking that they would love you back. Some may, but not all of them. You cannot love everyone and not everyone will love you. But that doesn't make them nor you a bad person. I refuse to blame the people that cannot force themselves to give me the same amount of love and efforts that i gave them. I do not give to get back. I give because I want to and because I can.

3. One opinion out of millions does not define who you are. Never let one negative comment to brush off the positive ones. A masterpiece will always be a masterpiece even when the room is empty and the light is off. Just because people failed to acknowledge you, does not make you less valuable.

4. Never settle for the safe side. We tend to choose things that we are comfortable to and within our comfort zone instead of seeking for the heart pounding feelings and breath taking moments that make living our life, worth it. I never want it to be easy; I want it to be challenging and push myself to the limit when I decided to give something my all. I want to learn how to survive through that.

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5. Saying "no" would not make you a bad person. Learn how to say "no" without feeling guilty if it involves something that you are not comfortable with. Get use to saying no without having to explain your reason; simply because you refuse to. "No, i do not want to date you. No, i do not want to do this. No, i do not want to do that. because it does not make me happy and that does not make me comfortable. So, no. And i do not need to provide you a reason nor do i need to make up an excuse for saying "no". 
6. There are hundreds of millions of people in this world that you haven't yet to meet. don't always judge people and categorized them in groups. "Gay, Emo, Punk, Nerd". People are not meant to be labelled. Simply because one person hurts you does not mean the ones in the future will. Just because one person holds a knife does not mean they will use it. There is good out there; believe it or not, there is good in this mess up world and there is good in people. Not everyone is a monster

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7. Keep the past where it belong and stop give it powers to refrain you from what the future could offer you. Do not let the pain and hurt take over. Stop building walls within your heart just because you have been broken before. Never allow the demons of yesterday to control the beauty that is to come in the future. Vow to never allow it to always be stormy for the sun does eventually shine down on all things beautiful. I am beautiful, and so are you.

8. Never swim the ocean for people who would not even cross a puddle for you. Some people would not even step outside in the drizzle for you even if you hold the umbrella for them.

9. Never give someone enough power to get rid of yourself. Don not lose yourself because of people. we tend to change ourselves for others that at some point we barely recognize our own self. step in front of the mirror and ask the reflection that you see; "am I still me?"

10. Be with someone who you do not have to hide from, in any way. Whether it is your morning face before you have put your make up on, an embarrassing story to tell about something that happened on your way home, or an ambition you have had since you were six. Make sure you end up with someone who knows all of it and still loves you. A person you can tell your whole life to is a person worth spending a life with.

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